just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
