I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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