According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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