They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
