If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
