So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
that's an acceptable place to lick
Too much gin, very little bucket
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
