So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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