He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
