I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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