my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
