Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
