the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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