Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
