according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
