i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
