I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
