you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
