Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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