there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
