threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
