she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
