I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize