There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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