I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
