Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We left the knife in your bed.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
