i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
