the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
