I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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