Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
