If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
