I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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