turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
