i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
