NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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