I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize