My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
