That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Alive.
So much puke
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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