You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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