I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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