I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize