She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
