yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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