I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
