I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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