My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
