does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
