Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
