Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
