Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
