i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
