just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I wish you could order shots online.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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