You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
