..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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