he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I need moral support for this bender
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
