i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Randomize
