My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
