I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
