3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
