I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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