Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Vodka?
Forever.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
