You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
