so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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