Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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